You are my God Given Solace
by SophieSaulie
Summary: A sequel to No Sacrifice Too Great. Sam confronts his fears with Dean then the unthinkable happens.


**You are my God-Given Solace**

**A sequel to No Sacrifice Too Great**

_If you will not believe, you surely shall not last. – Isaiah 7:9_

Dean recovered quickly after a day of rest and sleep. He was still sore, but the earlier excruciating pain was gone. Dean didn't feel any different so whatever the transformation was supposed to do, it wasn't noticeable to him. Sam had watched over him like a mother hen hardly ever leaving his side, feeding him, helping him to the bathroom, an indignity Dean would have preferred to have been spared, but he knew his limitations. Better that than the alternative. It made Dean remember the times he had taken care of Sam when they were kids. Sam had also been distracted and it didn't go unnoticed. He still looked worried and maybe even a little sad, not just because of how much Dean had gone through and could go through, but by something else. Dean had wanted to talk to him about what was bothering him and now that he was better, they could get whatever it was out in the open.

"Sam, you okay?"

"Yeh, why?"

"You seem a little, I don't know, worried. I'm going to be okay. Almost good as new."

"I know," Sam evaded.

"Then what is it? I know something is bothering you. I thought we were over keeping secrets."

"We are. I just feel like an ass for thinking what I'm thinking."

"Spill, kid," Dean teased gently, seeing Sam's embarrassment, but there was something more as well.

"It's just that we've come so far to finally be in a place where…" Sam stalled. "I feel like a jerk because after all that I did –"

"In the past, Sammy –" Dean insisted.

"I know, it's just that I feel like I have no right to feel…well, jealous, I guess."

"Jealous? Of what?" 

"Of you becoming a servant of Heaven," Sam said, then rolling his eyes. "I'm SO a jerk."

"Sam, there's nothing to be jealous about, believe me. All that transformation crap, that was no walk in the part and besides, it's just so that I can fight Michael and Lucifer –"

"Is it?" Sam said softly.

"Yeh, it is. Why would it be anything else?"

"Think about it, Dean, you can't possibly think that you can just become a servant of Heaven and then just go back to being who you were before, do you? I'm pretty sure, it's a one-way transformation."

"So what if it is? Then I'll really be Batman and we can –"

"What? Just go back to doing what we were doing?"

"Yeh. Why not?"

"Dean, they're not going to change you back."

"You're losing me, Sam."

"Once this is all over, no matter how it ends, I'm going to lose you all over again."

Dean watched Sam's expression wither into sadness and became worried about him

"You won't lose me, Sammy. I promise you," Dean reassured.

"Much as I want you to keep that promise and I know you would, if you could, it's not yours to make."

Sam looked into Dean's eyes, his own welling up.

"Heaven is giving you the way to kill Lucifer, to stop the Apocalypse, it's a good thing, I get that, but nothing comes without a price. You and I know that. You'll have to give up something to do it. Maybe being here, being my brother."

"Where are you getting all this? Did Cas tell you something?"

"No, no, like I said, I'm just being a selfish ass, that's all."

Sam tried to leave, but Dean caught him by the arm.

"Sit down, okay? You're going off half-cocked about nothing. We have to talk."

Sam plopped down on the couch and Dean joined him.

"First off, we're going to ask Cas what all this means, okay? Get some facts. Second, I'm never going to stop being your brother. That will never change. It didn't change when I went to Hell and it won't change when I become this servant of Heaven. I know we've had some tough road, but we're on the same page, right?"

Sam heaved a sigh.

"Yeh, we are, Dean," Sam confirmed.

"Then what is the problem?"

"I've been possessed, Dean and you've seen what happened to Jimmy when Cas took him over. The host soul, it's suppressed. It's taken over and whatever this is, whatever is happening to you, I'm worried…"

"That it'll take me over, change me," Dean finished.

"Yeh, I mean, just because we've decided that we're not going to be Michael's and Lucifer's vessels, doesn't mean that you'll be the same Dean when this process is over. Cas told me while you out cold that you'd be the same Dean, but I just can't find it in me to believe him. There are a lot of things that I can't seem to believe in anymore."

Dean understood. They had both been on shaky ground with themselves and with each other. It made sense that Sam wanted to hold on to what they had finally accomplished, being together, being brothers again. Dean wanted to hold on to it too.

"Look, Sam. We've come through our own Hell and back. I think we've earned ourselves a reason to hope that whatever is going on with me is a good thing. No matter what, you and I, we'll always be brothers. I know I lost track of that –"

"Not just you, Dean and I guess that's what's scaring me. We lost so much time and now the clock's ticking on the Apocalypse…I…guess I feel cheated a little. I know, jerk, but –"

"No, Sam, you're not a jerk. Bitch, yes, jerk, no," Dean teased. It had been awhile since they had run that routine. He had missed it and it was nice to play it again.

Sam laughed. Dean looked at his brother and could only feel empathy for him. Everything else was uncertain, but it felt good to know that as far as they were concerned, they would be okay. He'll always think of Sam as his little brother. It was too much a part of him, to be Sam's big brother, but he was proud of the way that his brother had grown up and he could take no credit for that.

Suddenly, Dean felt dizzy. The room began to phase in and out, rippling in front of him. Sam noticed.

"Dean? You okay? What's happening?" Sam asked, all the while thinking _"oh no, not again."_

"Dizzy…the room is spinning," Dean said.

Then Dean disappeared in front of Sam.

"DEAN!!!!!!!!!"

**FIN. Another sequel coming. Thanks for your patience and for reading. It's always appreciated.**


End file.
